Awesome Mixed with Not-So Awesome

So as I try to figure out how to put into words what is happening now I am searching for the right words.  The words that are wrapped in gratitude.  The ones that don’t make me sound like a victim.  I had the wonderful pleasure of having my daughter come visit and spend time with her.  Always saying goodbye is hard.  This time was so much harder.

Can’t wait to see her again.

In the mean time I can’t get my fever under control.  It spikes, then Tylenol brings it down then I feel like a hostage because I wonder if grabbing a burger at Shake Shack is what caused the fever….I want to tell the docs all about it (and I have just waiting for their next steps while I type this)  but there is a HUGE fear that they will tell me that to have problems this early on will mean I can’t go through with the stem cell transplant.

You see no matter how positive I have grown to be in my life there is still that small voice of doubt in the back corner I want to ignore but listen to anyway.  We shall see where this leads.  Right now I wait.  I wait for the Nurse Practitioners to call as that was the response.  We will call you in a bit.  I appreciate so much that they read the emails and answer quickly.  I appreciate even more that her answer was not one of get to the ER immediately.

They have seen it all.  Its new to me.  My word this year has been trust, I am trusting the process and these people with my future, with my health and with my life.  Its not a small trust. It feels exactly as huge as it is.

I will post more when I know my next steps.  Thanks for the continued support all!

Update: Went to hospital this afternoon. lots more blood,swab and other types of tests.  They cant seem to understand the fever either but to them a fever starts at 100.4 so until I hit there I should chill (no pun intended).  Back home in this amazing condo.  sitting close on the couch with my favorite man watching the Olympics unfold as great mind diversion.

Feeling better in both physically and mentally.  Time, sleep and love heals a whole lot.  Thanks all!